I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
