so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
