I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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