this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
