He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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