I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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