How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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