Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
