so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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