You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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