If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
