i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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