it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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