Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I want a musical about memes.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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