The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
