Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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