onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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