you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I need water and some morals
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
