I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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