The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
