Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Your cock deserves a montage
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
