I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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