I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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