I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
