Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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