Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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