So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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