you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
