I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
