Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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