Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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