oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
