Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
