If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I could fuck to npr.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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