I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
