you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
