Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
