I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
