I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
