I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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