So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
sick fucks of a feather flock together
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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