I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
