That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
