I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
