I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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