If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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