I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
