I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
