turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
