Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
