My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
