I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
