Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
