remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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