Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
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So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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