HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
