Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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