Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
