Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
